Testimonies and other Personal Writings

My entire Testimony

I grew up in the church and my earliest memories are of the church, and in fact one of the most te and earliest of my memories is the memory of my salvation.

It was a bible release class, and it was a special day too. God just had his hands on my heart and I found myself following Uncle Bob Bearry up the stairs with my best friend at the time Andy.

There we both accepted Christ as our savior, though my friend would not continue in his walk at all.

Unfortunately that was about the only time I had happiness in my childhood. I was very unpopular growing up and I lived with constant abuse. The blunt of this abuse was with my weight, and about my constant reading. Day in day out, I was called "Fatty", "Geek", "Dork", "Shamoo","Dumbo", and so many other names. Often, because all I was a pile of blubber, they'd get violent and attack me.

I would literally scream for help, but even the dignitaries who were supposed to be watching us would stick to their own business. I learned that I could not trust others to do their duties, or to do anything to ever help me, and I learned my place in this world, and that if it was gonna be different I'd have to make it different.

By the fourth grade, my small cliche of friends came to a realization that if they wanted to be popular they would have to ditch me.

Because I no longer had any support, I realized I couldn't let them beat me up anymore, so I began to fight back. Ah, but the aides were content watching a one sided beating, but when brawls brewed they'd get involved. Well, fighting back got me the attention of the aides and my teachers, but it also landed me in near daily detentions. But the funniest thing about it was that the people I'd fight with NEVER would get punished. I believe that this is why I can't trust the government. For God's own sake, justice is supposed to be against all of the criminals, and the leniency should be shown towards the defender, but that didn't matter to them.

Friendless and alone, my family acquired a small miniature snouzer puppy named Mitzi, who instantly became my best friend. When ever my parents would fight, Mitzi was there. Whenever I couldn't do anything she was there, and she always loved me. It never felt that I was a burden to that dog, I never felt that she judged me, and that I had to be somebody else around her.

Midway through my fifth grade year, I still had no close human friends, and I was often depressed. But God sent me a friend in the form of a from my class.

After making myself a new friend I realized the joy of laughter, and the joys of making people laugh. Though I was quite mature, I'd often disrupt the class with my humor. I wasn't so unpopular anymore, but I still was a outcast and treated as such. Only God kept me going at this time.

This way of making people laugh kept me somewhat accepted until my 7th grade year, when I joined football. Amazingly enough, just by joining I was instantly wasn't an outcast, but I wasn't totally accepted.

Despite my harsh treatment, I decide to make too life long commitments. One, no matter what I would keep my full integrity and character in public, and two I would start a prayer group.

The first decision would ultimately lead me to acceptance, but the second failed miserably due to the lack of commitment from my prayer partners. However, because of my character, integrity, maturness, and trustworthiness, people began to respect my integrity, and my strength, both physically, mentally, and spiritually.

That summer I attended Camp Living Waters, a Christian summer camp, and throughout the week I spent there I felt that SOMETHING was going to happen, but it wasn't until the final night, sitting around the campfire that it did. Sitting around that fire, testimonies were given, and one of the directors gave his. As he spoke about losing his way after God telling him that he was going to use him, and finding his way back, God spoke to me. "You are my arm, my hand, let me use you for my work."

It was God speaking and who am I to ignore it? So I decided I would be baptized that year. But Satan had other plans for my life. It may sound like I'm just a dumb, silly young boy, but 4 days before my baptism, my best friend, Mitzi may I remind you, died in a horrible way. Ah, and I was there to watch it all. She would constantly vomit, but this dog knew that she was acting weak. She would try to hide it so we would not know something was wrong with her. I learned this habit. It's one of my biggest weaknesses, I can't stand to share my pain with anyone. My feeling are always that as a gentleman, it's not my place to worry somebody else, nor to upset them with what troubles me. It is my duty to dispose of them.

The rest of my freshman year was literally hell for me. First of all my Grandma was rediagnosed with non-hotchkinsons type cancer, a rare cancer that affects the entire body, after she had beaten it before. But the killer was I lost me 2 true close human friends, with my friend from the 5th grade lying to me to "try to be nice". I entered a very severe depression.

Life meant nothing to me, and it was so bad that near daily I would hold a knife in my hand and hold it to my wrist and cry out to God to give me the strength to end it all. But I was too afraid to let my parents down, and I was always trying to please them, but I never felt enough. I knew that by ending it all, I would devastate them, and the thought of somebody crying for me prevented me from doing it.

But eventually the world turned too black for me. I decided that I didn't care anymore, and I decided I would end it. I was determined to do it that day, and I stayed in my room that Sunday, physically sick. I had decided that that night instead of crying myself to sleep, I would embrace it, and never wake up.

But God knew me. He knew my intentions, and he was not done with me yet. That evening, hours before the time I'd set aside, a local man knocked at my door, and I was called out of my room. I was not in a very good mood, but the man saw past that, for God had sent him on a mission, and he would not be deterred. He told me about when he was depressed, and he said a lot of things that struck home.

But this local man, who had little money for his own food, did not end with that. Before he left he placed around my neck a silver cross, with a pure silver chain. That cross, an act of unconditional, earthly and human, and nonrequired love, saw mw through the valley of . To think, somebody cared for me enough, somebody who it wasn't required of, to sacrifice something for me. His selflessness, has helped me to be selfless. I'll often buy things for people, and always go out of my way to be helpful, because when I was in the pits of dispair, my friends were nowhere, God felt distant, and my parents couldn't understand. It took that selfless gift, there was no hidden cost, no catch, unconditional.

I've often had a lot people ask why I question whether or not I would tell somebody else that I knew somebody was suicidal. Well, I was there. People knew. And when people tried to help because "It's my duty to help" , they never could help. It took that gift of love to help me. Sure, I guess it seems that you should divulge that secret, but I'd like to know if you gave that person an act of love first?

Ah, but my problems didn't end there, instead of relying on people know I relied on my own strength. This was strike two, and God punished me accordingly, and I severely injured my knew. This threatened to throw me back into dispair, but I decided to rely on God.

Then I went to Jamaica. Read my article for more information on it, but it changed my life.

It's still not easy. I still struggle with my self-esteem. It's a poor excuse, I know, but I grew up with it implanted in my head that I was fat, weak, and overachiever and yet inadequate. I struggle with the shame of all the things I used to do, and I struggle with my parents fighting so much. I'm so worried I'll become a statistic, that because my parents fight, me and my future spouse will fight.
And I'm struggling to come to grips of being me. I don't understand who I am, and what's wrong with me, and really why don't people feel anything for me? But God helps me, because though I've been struggling so much, I still take the time to give him what he wants, and I walk with him. I may not know who I am to behold, but I know who holds me. So i'll keep digging deeper, and one day he'll tell me.

After Jamaica

STUMP: Changing The Beating Rock
By Andy Stahl
If I was given only a short few words to explain this trip the choices I would have to decide between would be "Life-changing," "Amazing", or simply "Wow." With that being said I would like to reiterate upon some of the stories and experiences you may or may not have already heard from me. Later I will write an article more about Jamaica, but if you have any questions, just ask.

Going into this trip I was quite apprehensive. I had no self-esteem, and no confidence that God could actually use my hands to do any of his works. I was a dirty tool, with more pride than common-sense (though I supposedly have always had a good head about things, I guess that can tell you a great deal), and so surely I couldn't be used.
When I met my group, I was shy, but they drew me close and I was able to experience true intimate relationships with Christian young people. All of the young people had burning fires inside them that would not fade. I have seen fires in church before, I have HAD fires before, but these fires never went out, and all of the fires I had ever witnessed always dwindled down to nothingness fast.

I went to teach the children about God, but the kids taught me so much more. Watching the children's eyes, watching them soak in every word that escaped my mouth, as I taught about God, made me realize how much I took for granted.

Several years ago, God had called me to do his work, but I was weak and I was attacked by Satan , and I hit rock bottom in all areas of my life. God was distant, and I tried desperately to rejoin him in our walk. Unfortunately it wasn't until sometime in the past several months before I again found the path I had previously walked down, and still I was sure God had not meant for me to go in to his line of work, that I had simply imagined that commitment.

However, when I arrived in Jamaica I knew God was everywhere, and soon I could feel God myself.

On the flight I sat next to Jenna Rodgers, from Pennsylvania, and less then fifteen minutes into the trip I had already conquered my shyness. God knew what he was doing when he put us together because we became really good friends, and I feel that through her I kept comfortable enough to survive, and also eventually conquered "my little box."

God did little things like that throughout my stay in Jamaica, to stretch me, and to propel me into the next step of my Christian walk.

One thing that means a me happened on Thursday. I was helping Jenna get around for the final lesson, when I just started to feel restrained, and I felt as if I was running out of air, so I escaped from the team room and went outside for air. Outside I began to regain some composure and was about to go back inside when Brandon Powers looked up, saw me, and called me over to help him. I started to help him and soon we were talking intimately. (Which if anyone doesn't understand the meaning, it means being real with someone) We told each other about problems we both had faced, and secrets nobody else on the face of this planet know. Immense burdens were lifted and our friendship grew by leaps and bounds, and we matured spiritually, too. But I know it was God, because I rarely feel as if I am hyperventilating, and I went out at precisely the right moment to deepen a friendship I'll have for my entire life.

The one decision that means the most to me, however, occurred later that night while I was doing devotions with the men in the group. The devotion was about using our lives for God, or more so not wasting our lives, and God talked to me, and told me to go to and prepare myself to do his work, something that I had dismissed before.

It was purely amazing, the feeling that I felt, the peaceful sensation that overcame me. I came confused, lost, afraid to become close to anybody, and shy, but I have completely changed. I see good in me, and everything around me, I know what God wants me to do and where he's leading me, I found out people do think highly of me in all areas, and I found people can like me without having a secret agenda, but most importantly I found God still loves me, and has sanctified me, and while I may not know everything ahead of me, I do know who holds tomorrow.